Who I Am
by xxDustNight88
Summary: Struggling with how to deal with her feelings about the war, Pansy finds a surprising companion to understand who she is.


Written for Sing-Me-A-Rare Volume 4. I fell in love with these two characters and I hope you do too after reading this. I enjoyed participating in this event again. Thank you to the admins for hosting

The beautiful artwork was created for me by LadyKenz347. It's absolutely stunning and I can't thank you enough for making it for me!  
Also, SOOOO much love to my Beta, GaeilgeRua. You are amazing as always.  
Song Prompt - Iris - Goo Goo Dolls - City of Angels

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury, and Warner Bros. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

_October 1997_

Pansy aimlessly wandered the halls of Hogwarts. She had nothing to worry about as she was a Pureblood. The Carrows didn't bother her; instead, saving their torturous ways for the halfblood and muggle-born students that dared return this year. Hogwarts certainly wasn't the same since Dumbledore died, nor did Pansy expect it to be.

If Pansy was honest with herself, she wished that her parents hadn't forced her to come back this year either. She hated watching her classmates be harassed and cursed in class, as well as locked into the dungeons. Even though she wasn't a fan of people like the Weasleys or even Longbottom, she still didn't find it fair that this once safe haven for many was suddenly a place for torture and ridicule.

That was why she was out wandering the halls rather than cooped up in the Slytherin common room. Down there, her housemates were having a good old time bashing members of society that were being hunted. Some were even planning on how to make their classmates' days even worse. Pansy didn't want to have any part of that. She wanted this war to be over and for life to go back to normal.

Despite what her family thought, Pansy was neutral. She didn't care either way what side won. Light or Dark… Did it really even matter? She would be fine no matter which way the war ended. With her mind on other issues, Pansy had stopped watching exactly where she was going and suddenly found herself walking blindly into another witch. Both of them stumbled backwards, but Pansy managed not to drop her wand or fall over. The other witch wasn't as lucky.

"Ugh!" the witch cried out as her books cascaded to the floor at their feet. "Can't you watch where you're going, Parkinson?"

Taken aback, Pansy finally registered the red ponytail and stern look being projected her way. "Weasley," she gasped and put her hands on her hips. "What are you doing out here?"

"I'm heading to the library," Ginny explained before stooping to collect her books. "Not all of us are privileged enough to pass simply based on our status alone."

Having her feelings hurt slightly at the retort, Pansy snapped back. "You better show me some respect, or I'll tell the Carrows where you and the rest of the Gryffindorks are hiding to avoid being questioned on Potter's whereabouts."

Ginny, books back in her arms, glared at Pansy. "Go right ahead, Parkinson. We all know it was your boyfriend that let those Death Eaters into Hogwarts at the end of last year. It's partially your fault Dumbledore is gone, and this place is in chaos."

Ginny made to brush past her, but Pansy reached out and grabbed hold of her robe. Something about what the redhead said resonated with her. She didn't want to be responsible for Ginny or any of the other Gryffindors getting hurt. And truthfully, Draco wasn't her boyfriend, but she had suspected what he was up to in the Room of Requirement last year.

Before Ginny could jerk away, Pansy sighed and said, "Wait, Weasley." Ginny stopped trying to walk away and stared at her, waiting for her to continue. "I saw Amycus at the end of that passage about ten minutes ago. It will be safer if you go down that way." Pansy pointed at what she hoped was a Death Eater free hallway.

Eyeing her warily Ginny said nothing for a moment before finally nodding. "Thanks, Parkinson," she said and then quickly hurried down a hall that Pansy prayed was a safer route to the library.

It wasn't until Ginny was gone entirely from view that Pansy muttered, "You're welcome."

Glancing back in the direction she came, she decided she might as well head back to the Slytherin common room. If she'd just thrown Ginny to the snakes, so to speak, she didn't want to linger. She may not care which side won, but that didn't mean she wanted to see her classmates tortured to within an inch of their life for merely wishing to study in the library like everyone else. Sooner or later, this war would be over, and everything would go back to making sense.

* * *

_May 1998_

Pansy wanted the war to end now more than ever. The battle had finally come to Hogwarts, and they were all thrown right into the heart of it. How could her parents have let her return after the holidays? Surely, her father had known what was going to happen once Potter returned to Hogwarts for the final battle. It didn't matter now, though. She was here, right in the midst of everything.

Currently, her hands were pressed over her ears to block out the gratingly shrill voice of the Dark Lord as he beckoned those within the castle to hand over Potter. The sound made her head feel like as if her ears were about to bleed, or worse, explode. Pansy scrunched up her face and pressed ever harder as the pressure increased. Someone needed to hand over Potter so the torture would end. So the dying would end.

At long last the voice dissipated and sweet, rushing relief flooded Pansy's body. Tentatively, she removed her hands from her ears and blinked open her eyes. Around her, the Great Hall was filled with her classmates and professors. They too were recovering from the uncomfortable message the Dark Lord had thrust upon them. Many were discussing what to do next seeing as Potter was literally standing in their midst.

Fury rose up inside Pansy from seemingly out of nowhere. She was so sick and tired of this war. It was a war between the Dark Lord and Potter, yet they were the ones feeling the brunt at the moment. Unsure what exactly came over her, Pansy stepped forward and all but demanded that they turn Potter over before they were all senselessly murdered.

She was wholly unprepared to find herself at the receiving end of nearly every wand in the Great Hall. She held up both her hands, not wanting anyone to send a curse her way. "What?" she snapped with a glare. "Everyone was thinking about it. I just said it aloud."

Ginny Weasley forced herself through the crowd. "We're not handing Harry over, Parkinson. He's here to save all of us from this war. Including your ungrateful arse."

Pansy's mouth popped open in outrage, but before she could retort, Professor McGonagall stepped between the both of them. Pansy was forced to take a step back, effectively blocking Ginny from her view.

"Argus?" Professor McGonagall called out and then nodded as he came into view. "Please escort the Slytherins to the dungeons."

This order was met with cheers and applause, albeit not from the Slytherins. Many of her housemates were just as shocked as she was by this turn of events. For the entirety of the school year, they'd had the run of the castle. Now, they were being herded like common steer into the dungeons that were formerly their home.

As Pansy was all but pushed from the Great Hall, her eyes met Ginny's one last time. Her heart stuttered at what she was reflected there; understanding, purpose, and above all, regret. No one else seemed to understand how Pansy was feeling, but maybe, just maybe, Ginny Weasley did. Pansy didn't want anyone to die, and she wanted Ginny to know how she felt. This wasn't their war, but they were the ones suffering.

* * *

_December 2003_

Shaking the snow from her coat, Pansy stepped inside the Leaky Cauldron for the first time in nearly six years. The war had ended a long time ago, but sometimes she felt like it was still raging in her mind. It felt like some sort of muggle picture show constantly rewinding only to start again. Looking around the worn pub, Pansy wasn't surprised to find that despite a bit of cleaning up after the war, the place appeared the same.

Taking a deep breath, Pansy headed for a table in the corner which would provide a tiny bit of privacy. She was meeting someone and didn't need anyone listening in to their conversation or the like. Just as she was removing her coat and getting comfortable, the door to the pub opened again and in walked Ginny Weasley. Cornish Pixies immediately began fluttering around in Pansy's stomach as she waited for the witch to spot her at the table.

Instead of animosity, Ginny's face filled with a smile as she spotted the Slytherin witch. She wasted no time hurrying over and taking a seat. "Hey there, Parkinson," Ginny greeted as she too removed her coat. "I was hoping this wasn't some sort of hoax, but here you are." Ginny gestured at her and then laughed. "You look great, by the way. The past five years have done you some good."

Blushing slightly, Pansy said, "Thank you. You look well too. Quidditch has been working out for you then?"

"It has." Ginny smiled and leaned back in her chair. "I like it a lot. Where have you been?" Ginny asked Pansy, her eyes searching Pansy's as if trying to determine if she was about to lie. "No one has really seen you since the end of the war."

This was, of course, leading to the reason that Pansy sent Ginny the owl to meet her here. SIghing heavily, Pansy knew it was now or never. The truth had to come out eventually. "After the war ended, I returned home. Only, I never really felt like I fit in there. I wanted more than the Pureblood life, but I didn't tell my parents this right away."

"You lied to your parents?" Ginny shrugged. "We've all done that."

"It was more than that," Pansy rushed to clarify. "I told them I wanted to go and study at a wizarding institution in the States. Instead, I went to a muggle fashion school and got a degree from there."

Ginny let out a slow whistle. "I never would have guessed that one," she said quietly and ran a hand through her red hair.

"No one knew where I was," Pansy continued. "Until a few weeks ago, that is. I returned home and explained everything to my parents."

"What did they do?" Ginny seemed entirely enthralled by her tale.

Glancing down at her hands, Pansy revealed the truth. "They, essentially, disowned me. I was given an ultimatum to either give up my career in the muggle fashion world and return to their pureblood life or leave. I chose the latter."

"No shit," Ginny exclaimed in a whisper. "So you're completely on your own now?"

Pansy nodded. "I gave up everything so that I could live a life of my own. I want people to like me based on who I am and not by the status of my blood."

Ginny gave her a crooked smile. "So how does that involve me?" She gestured at herself and then at Pansy. "Why did you ask me to meet you here?"

"I asked you here to clear some things up about the last time we saw each other," Pansy said slowly, and then glanced away. She was embarrassed about her behaviour all those years ago. She never should have wanted to give Potter to the Dark Lord. "I want you to understand that I just wanted the war to end. I didn't want Potter to die. I don't think anyone but you could understand that without judging me."

She could still picture the way Ginny looked at her as she was led away from the Great Hall. Now, she could only hope that this moment of truth would be enough to reconcile whatever differences they had back then. There was silence between the two for a short while as Ginny obviously needed time to think over what occurred before the Battle of Hogwarts.

Finally, Ginny cleared her throat. "The war was a messy time for everyone," she began slowly, "Everything was broken, and so many of us had different views on it all. Lives were at stake."

"I was hoping that you could forgive me for what I did back then," Pansy blurted and then hastily cleared her throat. She knew Ginny could hear the unshed tears in her voice, and she hated that. "I want you to know I'm not that girl anymore…"

Ginny did something unexpected then. She reached out and took Pansy's hands into her own. "I remember what you did for me back at Hogwarts, Pansy. If you hadn't sent me down a different path, I might have wound up in the infirmary, or worse, dead." Squeezing Pansy's hands, she added, "I know you who are, and that is a kind witch who understands when and how to fix her mistakes."

"So you'll forgive me?" Pansy said, unable to hide the tears in her eyes.

"Of course," Ginny replied, smiling. "There is nothing to forgive, but I am so glad you actually took the time to explain your motive. I appreciate that."

With the past settled, the two witches sat in humble silence for a few moments before Pansy managed to get the nerve to talk again.

"I don't want to go home yet," Pansy whispered, glancing first where their hands were still clasped together on the tabletop and then in Ginny's eyes.

"We can stay for however long you like," Ginny replied. She squeezed Pansy's hands once more and then let go only so she could gesture for a round of drinks.

Pansy relaxed after that, thankful that she'd taken the chance to call on Ginny. The war was over, and now she could truly move on with her life. Smiling at something Ginny said, Pansy realized that it didn't matter if they were from different sides of the war or what anyone else in their world thought. Ginny knew who she was and accepted her that way. That was all that mattered now.


End file.
